There is nothing finer than a welcoming and loving smile, a warm all-encircling hug and that delicious feeling of loving and being loved by another human being.
WE all need that to make us feel completely well, in fact we literally benefit physically from this simple gift too.
Yet all too often it becomes forgotten in the rush of daily life, or a bargaining tool which is given if the other person deserves it, or demanded to be given as a right rather than an equally shared moment.
If love becomes a weapon, it’s time to lay down those weapons and start peace negotiations. That means a lot of un-pressured talking. NOTover the cooking, NOT between organizing kids, NOT just before one or other leaves for work. A code word or words is a useful ‘gidget’ to use to ask for space and time out from engaging in battle, to agree to keep the negotiating talks for later on.
A simple but effective way of clear communication is to do the ‘60 second talk-listen’ exercise. One partner talks on the topic – and the topic may indeed be ME – without any interruptions and without any negatives about the other person. The other partner than gets his/her turn. (you will find that 60 seconds is long..) Be sure to let your partner know “I hear you” but no further comments. Then choose the next topic. It is simply a means of talking and listening, not necessarily solvinganything. For there is so little time given to really ‘listening’ to each other, yet so often I hear the comments – “I never knew that”. “You never told me that.” “I never understood why you did that….” And I hear the other party reply, “but I tried to tell you so often….”
Ladies – men don’t work with emotions, they work with concrete facts, they are problem solvers so stop getting upset that they don’t understand your feelings, they probably never will. The most illogical expression is: “But you (he) doesn’t understand me, nor does he try to.” No-one understands you, except you, because only you – are YOU. Someone else trying to be YOU is a pointless and impossible exercise. Dare I say that Women could learn a lot from the male logic.
Guys – women may well be irrational and illogical about the emotional side of life – accept it and use it to your advantage as well as theirs: Learn what makes her smile, makes her laugh, and makes her warm and close. They may be different things than work for you but you’re trying to work for her –NOT yourself: (You can get back to the logical and concrete world when you’re in your shed or with work mates.) And yes I will dare to say that guys can learn a lot from women about how to enjoy and feel their own emotions to prevent bottling them into anger, fear and depression.
‘NEED’ OF SOMEONE TO LOVE ME
Ask yourself the question –
If I were someone else, not ‘me’, would I love the person that I am?
If the answer is Yes
Ask the next question –
If I were to take off all civilized pretences, smiles, best behaviours, and simply view myself alone and naked, would I still love that person just the same?
If the answer is still Yes…
Then you fully deserve to be loved and cherished by those who know you, for it is most likely that you love and cherish others in full in return, since you clearly love, value and respect who you are in every part.
If you answered No to the first question:
Then the rest of the ‘story’ may already be clear to you, you are seeking someone else to do ‘your’ rightful work for you: To love and treasure who you are. No-one else of course can do that FOR you, nor should they ever be asked to try. Therein lies a disastrous, uneven relationship.
If you answered Yes the first time and No the second time, you are well on your way to understanding and knowing yourself better.
Many people in this crazy, busy world of ours, seek Approval ( = validation and value), of themselves from others. They try to impress, try to ‘fit’ a certain image, maybe get very angry and make a lot of noise to be ‘heard’, perhaps they please or placate others to win that Approval, some buy it with gifts or material possessions. Round and round the circle of emptiness they go seeking that which can never be found from others first.
If they stopped ‘searching’ and ‘trying’ so frantically but looked in the mirror…….. and remained silent, and alone, and peaceful for a while, they might begin to meet themselves. They may not like who they meet because it’s most likely that ‘me’ person is a stranger. With time, care, understanding of past hurts, and learning to let go of the useless negative feelings and questions of Why? that will never be answered; By practising feelings of compassion for self and for others, feelings of genuine empathy for others, begins growth and love of that unique and very special person, ‘Me’.
It’s a long journey. But it’s the best journey in life, one that ideally starts from childhood but in all too many, less than perfect childhoods, it doesn’t start until the adult decides it’s ‘time’.
That can be at 18 or 81 years.
It’s never too late to meet ‘Me’ and learn to love ‘Me’. No-one else can do that half so well, but it’s certain that it attracts like a strong and positive magnet to draw others closer to us, and we to them. Therein starts a very strong and lasting intimate relationship.
Do you want to be with a man (or woman) who doesn’t love or know themselves but ‘demands’ that you do the loving for them? It’s not a comfortable role and it ends in emptiness for both.
Now think long and carefully if that might be what you are asking of someone else to do for you, if ever you are searching for
‘someone’ to Love you.